Greetings Jabronis,

It troubles me ever so slightly that the title of this column would suggest that it’s going to be one that is steeped with negativity. And if you thought that, you would indeed largely be correct in your assumption. Clever you. As a reviewer of anything, it’s always far easier to find something to criticise rather than praise. I guess that’s just indicative of Western culture. More to the point, explaining why you think things are crap is just good fun.

But this isn’t just an article that disses my least favourite fishing manoeuvres in the WWE – it’s more about airing my frustrations. Finishers are a huge part of selling a wrestler and getting them over – it can be just as important as an entrance theme or catchphrase or ring attire – so it pains me so when talented workers are saddled with sorry-ass finishing moves. And it pains me even more so when the less-talented workers are saddled with even more pathetic finishers, as if exposing their shortcomings to all is amusing to the WWE booking team.

So if you can comfortably fathom my reasoning for scribing this, here lies the WWE finishing moves that make me palm my forehead the hardest…

6. John Morrison – Starship Pain

To kick things off, I foresee that this may be perceived as a somewhat controversial choice because, admittedly, this is a pretty flashy move that can be fun to observe – especially in slow motion…

But as a finisher it just doesn’t work due to it often having an impact that registers on the Richter scale somewhere close to zero. On more than one occasion, I’ve seen Morrison almost totally miss the move and just brush his opponent with his flailing hair and perhaps a couple of fingertips, yet he has still pinned them for the win.

Come to think of it, the biggest victim of the move is probably Morrison’s groin pounding the mat. Maybe that ‘s what the “pain” in the name of the move refers to? And could “starship” be the pet-name that Morrison gives to his penis?! It would certainly make sense.

Starship Pain is just not credible or believable as a deadly finisher, and if Morrison is ever gonna escape from his midcard limbo, it’s part of his game that he will certainly have to revise.

5. Chris Masters – The Masterlock

You’ll find a couple of other submission holds later in this article, so I’d like to stress here and now that I have no beef with them when they are genuinely painful looking holds. The ankle-lock, the sharp-shooter, the anaconda vice, the crossface – they’re all decent submissions that illicit a great crowd response.

The Masterlock, however, is not. And calling it The Masterlock isn’t fooling anyone – we all know it’s just a regular full nelson; a move that was synonymous with 70s and 80s wrestling.

I think a big reason the move is so unimpressive is that it’s so easy to replicate. Admit it – you’ve all done it (or had it done to you) when messing around with friends. And in doing this, you will also be aware that it doesn’t hurt much. Or even at all.

Now I’m sure that were the hold placed on me by someone who has the same size biceps and strength as Chris Masters possesses then it might do a little more than tickle… But I’m still not buying it.

Masters is a tall guy and clearly very strong, so if the WWE is intent on giving him a submission finisher then he should switch to the torture-rack which would be perfect for a guy of his stature. It’s more of a visual feat and would be a far better display of his strength. He could even call it the Master Rack if it makes him happy. Though that might sound more like a reference to Melina’s breasts.

4. Mark Henry – The World’s Strongest Slam

A rubbish name and a rubbish move – it doesn’t even feature what I consider to be particularly impressive display of strength. The truth is, the only reason the move works visually is because Henry is so hideously overweight. The World’s Fattest Slam more like.

3 Dolph Ziggler – Zig-Zag

I guess it was always inevitable that a wrestler called Dolph Ziggler would have a finsihing move called the “Zig Zag”. Sadly for the rather cool Dolph, the move is totally void of any high octane coolosity.

The Zig Zag sees both Ziggler and his opponent fall back on the mat with equal velocity – only Ziggler falls from a slightly greater height than his opponent, thus presumably it hurts him more to perform the move than it does for his opponent to absorb it.

Stupid. Just… stupid.

2 John Cena – STF

I was very close to putting the Attitude Adjustment in this list. It doesn’t totally suck as a move, it’s just that has it has such an undeniable aura or mid-matchness about it. It doesn’t appear nearly as devastating as other main eventer’s finishing moves such as the Pedigree, the choke-slam or the RKO. But I decided to drop it because, as I said, I don’t hate the move, I just think Superman Cena should do something more electrifying… However, there’s no way Cena’s STF is escaping this list.

John Cena’s STF lends itself to one of those instances when the audience is made completely aware that they are watching a staged production – something a wrestling show should never do. The complete lack of pressure that Cena administers on the hold often makes it look as equally painful as being wrapped up in a cosy, warm duvet.

In all the months/years since Cena added the hold to his arsenal, it baffles me how nobody backstage has ever pulled Cena aside and said “Hey, Johnny Boy, your STF is equally crap and comical. Try something else instead…” And offered him something new. Daniel Bryan’s variation of the hold that he’s been using recently (The LeBell Lock, I believe), for example, is fantastic. Cena should be stamping his feet in jealousy at that one.

I believe the only reason Cena started using the move was so that it could be called the STFU… But now the PG era is upon us and the WWE likes to distance itself from naughty sounding words, I think it would be a fine opportunity for Cena to also distance himself from this hold.

1. Dolph Ziggler – sleeper hold

And coming in at number one, we have Dolph Ziggler again and his mega tiresome sleeper-hold. I genuinely enjoy Ziggler as a performer and a character, so it does upset me that he features in my list twice… But he totally deserves his billings.

There’s surely a double meaning in the name “sleeper hold” as it also puts the audience to sleep, ha ha ha! (I was up all night thinking up that one).

I can’t for the life of me fathom why Ziggler was saddled with a move that was perceived boring by wrestling audiences even 30 years ago. I can only imagine the meeting the Smackdown booking team had:

Idiot Booker 1: “So, Dolph Ziggler needs a new finisher. I’m thinking something cool and powerful that will make jaws drop…”

Idiot Booker 2: “Well, looking around the roster, Rey has the 619, that’s cool and popular… And Kofi has the Boom Drop, audiences seem to love that…”

Idiot Booker 1: “Punk’s Go-To-Sleep is pretty devastating… we need to give Ziggler something equally as impactful. Something that will really make folk sit up and pay attention when they know the move is imminent…”

Idiot Booker 1: “I know – the sleeper hold!”

Idiot Booker 2: “Radical!!!!”

Baffling indeed. Similar to the The Masterlock, the sleeper-hold is such an uninspiring move to observe because literally anyone can do it – even my 7 year old sister. Also, if the move genuinely was that reliable at knocking-out opponents, then why wouldn’t every wrestler in the locker-room use it considering how easy it is to lock-in? But, as we’re all well aware, logic and wrestling rarely go hand in hand.

To me, Ziggler’s finishers are even worse than Hogan’s, And that’s as cruel a statement as I’ve ever made about a wrestler.

Well there’s my top (or bottom) 6. If you disagree then please feel free to comment below and then I respond by calling you childish names.

Over and out.