Greeting Jabronis,

If you like Summer and you like slamming things, then WWE’s annual SummerSlam event is probably your favourite PPV on the calendar. Although it’s touted as the second biggest PPV of the year (after Wrestlemania) there’s no real reason for it, other than the longevity of its branding I guess. Because in truth, it’s the same as most other PPVs these days… or perhaps even slightly less interesting nowadays due to its lack of a gimmick now that gimmick PPVs are all the rage with the kiddies.

But I’m not trying to rain pessimism on the Summer parade here – there’s some intriguing bouts on the card and a appetite whetting main event, so fingers crossed the WWE can pull off an event that truly deserves its second placed billing on the PPV list.

So you wanna know my predictions huh? Well, you’ve come to the right place. Well done indeed. If you want to add your own at the bottom of this column, you’d be beaming a ray of welcome sunshine into my life. So please do.

Kofi Kingston v Dolph Ziggler

Would WWE really strip Mr Ziggler off the IC title just a few days after winning it? It would be stupid and pointless… so knowing WWE, it’s a distinct possibility.

I’m more inclined to believe (hope?) that Ziggler will pick up a flukey victory here and Kofi Kingston will once again snap and “hulk up” on his opponent in an uncontrollable fury. It’s similar to the gimmick that Bob Backlund ran with in the early 90s, and if the gimmick is strongly pushed upon our Ghanaian grappler, I feel it could make for an interesting angle. Boom boom boom.

Pick: Dolph Ziggler

Big Show v Straight Edge Society

This is a no-brainer… I’d sincerely like to believe that the WWE booking team wouldn’t bury one of their best and brightest stars (in CM Punk) along with his lackies by having them lose in a handicap match against the boring Big Show. It would be needlessly harmful to the stable.

If the Big Show does emerge victorious, I will need to acquire a new coffee table as I will be smashing my head through it in frustration.

Pick: Straight Edge Society

Alicia Fox v Melina

Why was this match on RAW only to be added to the SummerSlam PPV occurring 6 days later? That’s a very questionable booking to me. Still, s’not like the first time it’s ever happened so I shouldn’t be surprised.

There are currently more WWE divas than ever before – each one even more forgettable and more pathetic than the next… But Melina seems to stand out from the crowd a tad as she at least has an iota of wrestling ability. For that reason, I expect her not to win the title on this occasion. She will win it eventually inevitably (hmmm, those two words don’t sit well together) but I see Alicia holding on to her belt for a few more weeks yet so that it will be fedto the audience as a being a big deal when the change does happen. Even though it won’t be a big deal. Because nobody will care.

On a slightly unrelated note – I’m often amazed at the agility of Melina considering she has two ridiculously large globes of silicon surgically attached to her chest. Atta-girl.

Pick: Alicia Fox

Kane v Rey Mysterio

Kane is heading for a feud with his bro The Undertaker (for the 19th time) and this match will tell us whether or not the feud will also involve the WWE title… and I think it will.

I’m of the belief that Kane will be retiring once he drops the strap and this title run is a farewell and a thank you from WWE bigwigs (and he’s quite deserving of it to be honest, he’s never been anything but a genuine company man). So I see Kane retaining here and then feuding with The Undertaker – who will eventually defeat his more evil brother for the title at the November PPV. Why the November PPV? Because that will be exactly 20 years since The Undertaker’s debut. How fitting, right?

I fully expect The Undertaker to make his presence felt on the night. Perhaps post match he’ll save Rey from a beatdown. Or maybe his druids will or something. But the lights will definitely go out and some point and you will hear that gong. Oh yes, you will hear that gong.

Pick: Kane

Sheamus v Randy Orton

I’m expecting a decent match from these pair of knuckleheads. I was admittedly fairly critical of Sheamus’s speedy ascension to the top, but in recent months I have warmed greatly to his act. He has the swagger to carry himself as a believable champion (unlike, er, Swagger) and his performances inside the ring are generally pretty smooth.

I think there’s life left in this feud yet (I predict it’ll be dragged out until Sir H.H. Helmsley is fit enough to return) so I’m going for a Ginger Ninja victory here. Orton is already a bonafide headliner – and with a long run with the title, Sheamus will be closer to attaining that status too.

Will The Miz cash in his briefcase afterwards? Of course there’s a strong possibility, but it would almost seem tooooo obvious, you dig? And for that reason, I think they’ll milk that angle for a little while longer yet. Also, I think The Miz may well have a bigger role to play elsewhere on the night…

Pick: Sheamus

Team RAW v The Nexus

And so to the main event – and what a biggy it is. It’s no secret to regular readers of my columns that I am no fan whatsoever of The Nexus (mainly due to their total lack of wrestling ability) but you’d have to be a complete moron coupled with a maddening brain disease to not recognise that WWE has booked this feud incredibly well.

One thing I am slightly confused about is, what if The Nexus win? I mean, so what, right? I don’t wanna moan too much because as I said, I think the feud has been booked magnificently – but I still feel the bout could do with a stipulation. Wouldn’t you agree? Like The Nexus will have to disband if they lose, or Cena will have to leave RAW… something along those lines. But as it stands, it seems whoever wins will just have something to brag about. And that’s it.

Be that as it may – I expect lots of shortcuts in the match so as not to expose the shortcomings of The Nexus group (as well as Bret Hart) but it will booked and chereographed meticulously so we should be in for a truly delightful spotfest.

Most of us will be expecting a member of Team RAW to turn on his buddies, cost them the match and align himself with The Nexus… and I’m no different. But who will turn? Jericho? Edge? Cena? … Nope. I’m saying The Miz. Because it just makes sense.

Pick: The Nexus

Enjoy the PPV, ladies and jelly-spoons. Over and out.