Greetings Jabronis,

Thank you all kindly for the positive feedback pertaining to my last column. If you weren’t so riddled with disease, I’d take you all out for a romantic picnic on the beach. But you are. So I won’t. Oh – and just a reminder – I’m English folks, so please don’t lambaste my un-American spelling. Narf.

This time around, the rising wrestler to be subjected to my full body cavity search is the loveable hobo known as Mike Knox. Or Mikey to his friends.

A few people (okay, two) contacted me regarding my last column to tell me I had been unfair in lumbering Knox in the same bracket as the oafish Koslov and Ezekiel. And I’m man enough to admit that they had a point – it was a tad harsh of me, because Knox is indeed a capable performer. Just watch his recent Smackdown bout with Rey Mysterio for proof… though this doesn’t cover up the fact that his career has been pretty sh*tty thus far.

Knox made his debut in the WWE on the ECW brand when he interrupted a Kelly Kelly striptease and proceeded to cover her with a towel and force her backstage. Presumably to rape her, we were never really told. Amazingly, this was over 3 years ago. The fact that he has been on TV for this amount of time should make his presence in this newcomer-harassing column a bit weird, right? But I feel his whole career has been so immensely stop/start (with emphasise on the stop), and his presence on the roster so erratic, that the wrestling community as a whole still generally perceives him as “one of the new kids”.

On paper, Knox would appear to have all the necessary traits required to be a success in the WWE. He’s a big man with very impressive agility for his size (dare I whisper comparisons to Bam Bam?), a sound arsenal and an enchanting beard. And it’s not as if Knox has not ever been given a chance. Let us not forget that he once (sort of) main evented a PPV with a spot in the elimination chamber at No Way Out 2008. So where has it all gone wrong for Knox? Why is man of his capability wrestling in lower-card obscurity after 3 years of mainstream grappling?

The most obvious answer for this continuous failure is his inability to connect with the crowd, or illicit any kind of reaction – but as any fan should know, this is not purely the fault of the performer. What has WWE ever told us about the Knox character? How has he ever been sold to us? I made a list of everything I’ve ever learned about Mike Knox from watching WWE programming, and after 2 hours this is what it looked like…

1. He has an enchanting beard
2. I think he might have once raped Kelly Kelly
3. … Did I already mention the beard?

It’s hard to give a hoot about someone whom you know nothing about. WWE writers should know better than anyone that a good gimmick gets a wrestler over. And even a crap gimmick at least encourages an audience to remember who the Hell someone is. (See Zach Ryder and “woo woo” as a prime example). Knox can grapple with the main eventers every week, but until he has a gimmick, or even a catchphrase, or just anything at all about him that matters, audiences won’t care. I’m not saying that’s how I like my wrestling served but that, unfortunately, is just the way things are. Remember when Snitsky debuted and was mega pushed as the newest monster in town? I couldn’t believe how much the insanely lame “It wasn’t my fault” line caught on with crowds. But, unlike Knox, Snitsky was capable of botching even a clothesline and thus was never destined to be a success in the wrestling world. The point is, let Knox say something; experiment, and if it fails, experiment some more. Have him shout “I hate quidditch” repeatedly as he walks down to the ring if it makes people pay attention.

As I write this, another truth has just occurred to me – for the life of me, I cannot tell you what his finishing move is. Do you know? If so, award yourself five Bingo Star Points (Please note: Bingo Star Points have no cash value and are imaginary). How is that even possible in modern WWE when a huge part of marketing any wrestler is naming and selling their finisher?! Incidentally, whatever the move entails, I hope it is named the Bearded Bastard Bitch-slap. I should probably trademark that right now.

A couple of months ago on an episode of Smackdown, Knox was given a hint of a gimmick when he was shown using science to thwart his rivals. No, he wasn’t hurling balls of flaming magnesium into their scrotums, but rather employing biological knowledge/nonsense pertaining to the human anatomy to break down opponents. Undoubtedly, it was a pretty goofy gimmick, but I was willing to see where they were going with it – but as quickly as it was introduced it was dropped. Why oh why? At least give the guy a chance to develop an iota of a character. And I would have loved to have seen him employ the gimmick prior to a match with Batista – “Batista gets injured with alarming frequency, so I’ll make him chase me around the ring until his arm partially rips from his torso, and then I’ll stamp on the injury until he taps out.”

WWE is never shy of cutting genuine talent (eg Kendrick) but Knox has size combined with a unique look, and that, more than anything else I feel, is why he has never been a victim of the WWE “we wish you the best in future endeavours” notice.

Folk behind the scenes (JR for one has voiced his approval of the bearded one) obviously see potential in him, but they really need to discover how to utilise that potential sooner rather than later. Knox is in serious danger of becoming a glorified jobber; a big man who serves no other purpose than to put over other talent (and to lose cleanly to Rey Mysterio prior to a PPV). Once you’ve been pigeonholed as that, it’s nigh on impossible to ever make an audience see you in a different light. Just ask The Warlord.

In recent weeks, gossip whores have spread dirty whispers that WWE is seeking to give CM Punk an on-screen bodyguard. Festus is apparently tipped for the role (despite looking like a ‘roided up John Lithgow), but I’m hoping that backstage bigwigs will see sense and give the role to Knox. A sustained run amidst the upper pool of talent will do him the world of good, and hanging with Punk within some substantial storylines will hopefully allow him to develop a real character.

And give him a proper finisher for feck’s sake.

So I hope that clears if up for all two of you that labelled me a Knox hater. I don’t see him as a talentless toss rag, but rather an ugly duckling whose true beauty has yet to be revealed. And maybe it never will.