TNA iMPACT Results – November 4th
We open the show with a recap of last week’s concussion angle that I wrote a whole column about yesterday and won’t bore you with a rehash here. We go from that to Ric Flair pumping up “Kung Fu Bischoff” for…something tonight. And indeed, here comes Bischoff and Flair to the ring, and Bischoff is shadow boxing on his way down the ramp while Flair smiles and applauds. Something still just feels so wrong about that. So Cal Val holds the ropes for flair and hands Bischoff a microphone, and Bischoff says he has some major business to take care of tonight, but first he wants to address Matt Morgan. Earlier today, he and Flair talked to Hogan and they all agreed that Morgan is no longer part of Fortune or Immortal, and is now persona non grata. He tells Morgan to stay away from the Impact Zone and wishes him well in his future endeavors. Bischoff has a message for Ken Anderson, and Flair goes “Oh yeah, that guy who’s not tough enough to be a wrestler.” Bischoff says he’s going to give Anderson one last opportunity to wrestle Jeff Hardy, and he’s going to give him that chance tonight, because if he can come out and pin Bischoff, he can have his match with Jeff Hardy. But since Bischoff read his doctor’s report and knows he’s sitting at home, that’s probably unlikely, but Bischoff says if he doesn’t get his ass down to the ring, he’s never going to get a shot at Jeff Hardy again. If Anderson gets here in the next two hours, he’s going to give him a little sample of what he’s in for against Hardy. Bischoff calls the referee over and asks him why he let Morgan out of the handcuffs last week, and the referee explains that Jarrett refused to be released, so he released Morgan. Bischoff doesn’t appreciate him calling him a liar, and Flair says he was talking back, so Bischoff kicks the referee’s ass and throws him out of the ring. Flair says that was awesome and bows down to Bischoff. What a great segment…
We hit the new and improved opening video, and then we run down tonight’s card before going backstage to Fortune, who are laughing about what they did to Matt Morgan…except for Douglas Williams, who seems disgusted by the whole thing.
We go backstage to EV2.0 as Brian Kendrick is getting a massage and reading poetry to the rest of the group. Rob Van Dam comes in and asks Tommy Dreamer if he’s going to give him the same speech as the week before. Stevie Richards says Raven’s not here and Tommy says Raven isn’t Bischoff’s boy, but then Fortune walks in and makes fun of EV2.0 for getting in each other’s face. AJ says to get their fighting in now because one of them’s going home after Turning Point. AJ gets up in Rhino’s face, so Rhino gets up and goes to Gore AJ, but AJ moves and Rhino hits RVD by accident.
We see a video showing us the history of the Jeff HArdy/Ken Anderson feud that was supposed to main event Turning Point, and then we go to Mike Tenay and Taz, who are joined on the phone by Ken Anderson. Anderson says that after Hardy hit him with the chair, he got the worst concussion of his life. We see several slow motion replays of the chairshot, and you can see that he really cracked him. Taz asks what it was like after getting the concussion, and Anderson says the pain went away in a few days, but his short term memory was gone and it was really scary, so he’s going to get checked out this week. Tenay says that Morgan really stepped up to the plate in his absence, and Anderson says he appreciates that, but with everything that’s happened in the last few weeks, it’s hard to say whether Morgan can even be trusted, but he at least appeared to have Anderson’s best interests at heart, and in that case he’ll have Morgan’s back as well because friends are hard to come by in TNA these days. Tenay wishes him the best in his recovery and says that we can’t wait to see him back in the Impact Zone.
Up next, Sarita takes on Velvet Sky, and we go backstage to the Beautiful People’s dressing room. Angelina says she’ll be at ringside if Velvet needs anything, and Velvet says she loves her, but Velvet has something to prove tonight so she’s going to do it on her own. She hopes Angelina’s not offended by that, and Angelina says of course not. Velvet leaves, and guess who’s there when Angelina looks in the mirror again? That’s right, it’s Winter! Winter says she knows she’s disappointed, but not to worry because Winter won’t leave her. Angelina says thanks, but she likes being alone and leaves the dressing room. The camera follows Angelina out of the room, and when it turns back to the mirror…WINTER IS GONE.
Time to go to the ring for our first match…
Sarita vs Velvet Sky
Velvet with a go behind, but Sarita reverses and goes for a suplex, Velvet rolls through, and gets a flying headscissors on Sarita. Velvet follows that up with an armdrag and bars the arm, Sarita shoves her way out and takes Velvet to the corner for some chops, but Velvet reverses and gets some chops of her own. Velvet goes for her DDT but Sarita escapes, so Velvet gets a chinbreaker and a diving dropkick instead. Velvet goes for the DDT again, but she tries right next to the ropes so we know what’s going to happen. Sure enough, Sarita blocks and Velvet starts to lose her composure, so Sarita takes advantage by kicking Velvet in the abdomen, puts the boots to Velvet in the corner, and gets a rolling cradle for 2. Velvet comes back with some chops, but Sarita gets a back elbow to take Velvet down and then goes for the Tiger Driver, but Velvet slips out the back and gets a bulldog. Velvet with a couple of clotheslines and reverses a suplex to a crossbody for 2, then gets a chinbreaker. Velvet goes for the DDT again but Sarita Tullys her to the floor, and Velvet again loses her cool and gets caught with a boot coming back in, and Sarita hits the Tiger Driver and picks up another win.
Velvet is really pissed off that she lost, and Sarita mocks her from the aisle.
Backstage, Jeff Jarrett is holding those punching pads on his hands so Bischoff can do some practice boxing, and Bischoff stops to tell Jarrett that it was nice that he apologized to Angle, but he ought to apologize to Joe too. Jarrett asks if Hogan would apologize and Bischoff stops to think about it for a moment, then goes “nah” and goes back to his practice shots.
We go backstage with Fortune, and Williams and Kazarian are arguing again. Flair says they’re not going to have any internal strife and says they’re going to go do it Horsemen style. Williams sees Christy Hemme getting ready for an interview, so he goes over and tries to steal some interview time, but the microphone’s dead, so they look for another mic…and Anderson’s mic drops from the ceiling.
Back to the ring…
Generation Me & Tara vs Mickie James vs Ink Inc & Mickie James
Jesse Neal & Jeremy Buck start, Jeremy takes Jesse to the corner, but Jesse gets a crossbody out of the corner for 2. Tag to Shannon Moore who comes in with a rolling senton and goes to an armbar. Mickie and Tara start going after each other and distract the ref while Shannon sunset flips Jeremy, and he ends up only getting 2. Jesse tags in and Shannon hiptosses him onto Jeremy, but Jeremy tags to Max so Neal gets a boot to the gut and a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Max backdrops Jesse to the apron and Tara grabs him while Max gets a headscissors on Jesse and Jeremy dropkicks Neal in the face. Awesome spot. Generation Me works Jesse over in the corner, and Max gets a great dropkick and tags out to Jeremy, who gleefully puts the boots to Neal. Jeremy sends Neal to the floor where Tara waylays him with a forearm and then throws him back in where Max covers him for 2. GenMe with some more quick tagging action, but they accidentally collide and Jesse makes the hot tag and Shannon comes in and cleans house. Mickie crotches Max on the top rope and then goes up top and gets a top rope Frankensteiner on Max. Shannon skeeballs Jeremy to the floor and then backdrops Shannon onto Jeremy, then gets a moonsault on Max, but Tara breaks up the pin so Mickie comes in with a Thesz Press and she and Tara start going at it. Max goes after Mickie, but Mickie rolls under him and gets a Mick Kick and Shannon hits the Mooregasm for the win.
Winners: Mickie James & Ink Inc
Great match! Tara and GenMe attack them from behind and Tara claws at Mickie’s face as GenMe puts the boots to Ink Inc. Now it’s their turn to celebrate.
Let’s go backstage to Orlando Jordan and Eric Young, who are having a therapy session with a marriage counselor. They make all kinds of sexual entendres about dominating each other, and then Eric Young tells a long, rambling story about when he was in camp and the Brownies and Cub Scouts both wanted him, and then he says he’s had lots of partners and Orlando’s the best one because he keeps him loose. Oh, the wit just slays me.
Jeff Jarrett is backstage, and he’s…WALKING!
Team 3D are backstage with the Motor City Machine Guns, and Bubba says it’s strange to be excited about a retirement match from what they love doing the most, and are mostly excited about wrestling the Guns. The Guns say that they’re excited to be in there with Team 3D, who are the whole reason tag team wrestling in TNA is what it is. Both teams are positive about their chances of walking out of Turning Point with the title, and they share a laugh and say they’ll see each other at Turning Point.
We see a video package showing us Jeff Jarrett’s path of rage, as he’s committed brutal attacks on Kurt Angle, Samoa Joe, and Matt Morgan over the last three weeks, and then we head to the ring as Jarrett comes out to address the crowd. Jarrett starts by asking Kurt Angle where he gets off showing up like a thief in the night and smashing out limo windows (crowd starts a you sold out chant), trying to attack Flair and Eric, and he knew Kurt was weak, but even he didn’t realize he was this week. He asks Kurt if Eric Bischoff or Flair tried to put him in a wheelchair, and he says no, it was him, and the issue is with Jeff Jarrett. He says that if Kurt has all this pent up anger, he needs to relax, think about things, and go home where he can be all alone. Jarrett gets a little chuckle from that one. He then has one word for Samoa Joe: he’s sorry. He’s truly sorry, because if he had any idea the stage was as high as it was when he threw him off, he can say one thing: he’d have gone a hell of a lot higher, and being the man he is, he’ll give Joe a chance at Turning Point. He says Joe’s a good guy just like he used to be, and good guys always come back, don’t they? Finally, he’d like to address the fans and everyone at home, because he never wants people to chant “you sold out” at him ever again because the truth is that he bought in. Jarrett drops the mic and walks off, stopping to give dirty looks to all the fans on his way up the ramp. Suddenly, Samoa Joe burts through the ramp and goes after Jeff Jarrett, beating the crap out of him all around ringside. Joe tosses Jarrett into the ring and tosses him in the corner and follows him in with a running high knee. He goes for the Muscle Buster but Overzealous Security runs in and Joe takes both of them out too. He goes back after Jarrett, but Jarrett has recovered and heads for the hills. Joe gives him dirty looks, and now Overzealous Security go after him again, so Joe kicks their asses again, tosses one over the top rope, and gives the other the Muscle Buster and goes back to staring Jarrett down.
RVD is backstage and he doesn’t know who to trust anymore, but he’s not sure if it matters because he can trust himself, and he hopes it doesn’t matter if he’s just out for himself now.
We go to Eric Bischoff’s office as he continues to limber up for his “match” with Ken Anderson, and then we go back to the ring for a title match…kind of.
TV Title Match: AJ Styles vs Rhino vs Rob Van Dam
AJ and RVD go nose to nose, but RVD shoves him off and Rhino tosses him to the floor. RVD and Rhino stare down briefly, then Rhino goes after AJ on the floor and gets whipped into the stairs. RVD gets a baseball slide and goes for a dive, but AJ rolls back in and RVD lands on the apron, but AJ nails him with a dropkick. AJ continues the assault with forearms and chops, but RVD gets a killer monkey flip that sends AJ about 80% of the way across the ring. AJ goes to the eyes and starts unloading on RVD in the corner and gets a slam and goes for the fancy kneedrop, but Rhino grabs the ankle and comes back in, killing AJ with a clothesline and a big belly to belly suplex. Rhino goes for the Gore, but AJ moves and Rhino hits the turnbuckle and rolls out to the apron. AJ turns around and eats a spinkick from RVD, and RVD gets a slam, but goes for a second and AJ slips out and whips RVD to the corner. He charges and gets backdropped to the apron, but RVD with another thrust kick sends AJ to the floor. RVD goes for a dive but Rhino yanks him down and they start arguing. AJ comes in with a springboard forearm to lay out Rhino, then rolls up RVD and pulls the tights to get the win.
Winner: AJ Styles
AJ grabs the belt and runs as RVD stands up with a look of frustration at Rhino. They start arguing in the ring again and start yelling at each other until the rest of EV2.0 comes in to get between them. RVD decks Raven, so Tommy Dreamer grabs a microphone and says that’s enough, and wants to know what’s going on with RVD. RVD asks if he should trust them like he trusted Jeff. RVD says he knows Dreamer is the brains of the outfit and says Tommy seems awfully defensive of RVD’s accusations. Dreamer says that RVD needs his head fixed and says they ought to go old school, and challenges him to a match at Turning Point. RVD says to tell his man Bischoff that they’re on. Tommy says he’ll see him at Turning Point.
Douglas Williams and Frankie Kazarian are backstage, and they’re…STRETCHING!
Abyss is backstage and says that Pope is a false prophet, and if he was truly a Pope, he’d know that Immortal is like Hulk Hogan and they will live forever, then says he’s going to destroy the Congregation one by one.
Back to the ring…
Douglas Williams vs Frankie Kazarian
Ric Flair joins Mike Tenay and Taz on commentary for this one, and he’s sucking on a lollipop. They do a chain wrestling sequence to start and end up in a stalemate. Beer Money come on down to ringside as Kazarian takes Williams down with a shoulderblock. Williams regains his feet and takes Kazarian down with a headlock, but Kazarian reverses to a headlock of his own and Kazarian reverses out of that into a sunset flip, but Williams cradles the legs for 2. Both men back to their feet and they go to a Greco-Roman knuckle lock and Williams powers Kazarian down into a bridge, but Kazarian bridges back up and now forces Williams into a bridge, Williams regains his base but Kazarian sweeps the legs and gets a series of kicks and a spinkick for 2. Kazarian whips Williams into the ropes but they hit head to head and both men go down. Williams gets up first and gets a flying elbow and Kazarian tries a crossbody out of the corner, but Williams reverses for 2. Williams whips Kazarian to the corner and follows in with a high knee and a T-bone suplex for 2. Kazarian reverses a whip and Williams collides with James Storm (who was up on the apron), and Kazarian rolls him up for the win.
Winner: Frankie Kazarian
Beer Money get in the ring and now Fortune are all arguing with each other, so Flair comes in to cool things down and offers Williams a handshake, then tells Kazarian and Williams to shake hands, and they do so…reluctantly.
Pope is backstage and after what’s happened between Abyss and himself, he’s going to get ahold of Abyss on Impact, and if he has to pimp slap him over and over again, then that’s what Pope’s going to do.
We go to Eric Young and Orlando Jordan, who are still in therapy. Eric’s talking about his relationship with his mother as he lays his head on Orlando’s leg, and Orlando says that it’s his fault because he hasn’t communicated himself well. Orlando says he needs to tell Young something: he’s bi. Eric says “POLAR!” as in Orlando’s bipolar. Haha. And then he calls the psychiatrist a quack and says they’re not going to validate his parking.
Back to the ring…
Abyss vs The Pope
Pope rushes the ring with taped ribs and goes right after Abyss with rights, then gets a drop down uppercut and a second, and Abyss is on the ropes. Pope tries a charge but Abyss pops up and boots Pope in the face. Abyss waits for Pope to regain his feet and gets the Choo Choo in the corner and Pope crumples to the mat. Abyss picks him up and tosses him to the floor, then goes out after him and lays in several hard rights before going over to the guardrail and shoving one fan down, then dragging another over the guardrail and punching him. Referee calls for the bell, and I’ll assume that Abyss got disqualified for attacking fans, so…
Winner: The Pope by DQ
Abyss keeps going, dragging several more fans out of the crowd and attacking them, and security comes out to try and stop him but he shoves them off, too. Pope gets the mic and tells Abyss that if he wants to go after members of the Congregation, then how about at Turning Point, they have a Lumberjack Match with all of the Congregation as the lumberjacks. Abyss says he’d never speak for Hogan or Bischoff, but he doesn’t think they’ll mind this one time, and he says Pope is on.
We go backstage to the Shore, where Robbie E talks about how good he looks, and how much better he looks after he wins the X Division at Turning Point. Cookie says after he wins the title, they’re going to go partying it up, but they’re sending Jay Lethal home to his mommy because Shore is in the house…bitches.
We see a promo video running down the card for this weekend’s Turning Point PPV, and then we go backstage to Eric Bischoff, and he’s…WALKING! He says that somebody’s going to get their ass kicked tonight, and then he walks off camera where he tells someone to watch it and calls him an asshole.
We go to a freaky video package of Jeff Hardy talking about how he spent years thinking that he should do the right thing, but he didn’t get what he wanted until he stopped caring, and at Turning Point he’s going to do it again no matter the cost. At Turning Point, we’ll celebrate the Antichrist…Jeff Hardy.
It’s 11:00, so it’s time for our main event…
Eric Bischoff vs Ken Anderson
Eric Bischoff’s chyron says “martial arts master.” Bischoff gets a mic and says that this is his last shot, and he’s lowering the bar for him: all he’s got to do is come beat him, sign the contract, and he’s got Jeff Hardy. Bischoff hands a piece of paper to Jeremy Borash and tells him to announce it exactly the way he wrote it, and with enthusiasm. Borash says this match was sanctioned by the Immortal Athletic Commission Vice President, Eric Bischoff, and it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for. He introduces Bischoff as weighing 160 lbs with 4% body fat, an eighth degree black belt in karate, entering the match with a perfect record of 34-0, all by TKO, the undisputed, undefeated TNA World Kickboxing Champion of the world: artist, musician, kickboxer, genius, visionary…Eric Bischoff! And his opponent: from the frozen inbred tundra of Green Bay, Wisconsin, he has never been the TNA World Champion, the Importent Warrior, the Russian with a concussion, the pussy willow of Wisconsin, the President Obama of head trauma…Borash finally stops and tells Bischoff this is ridiculous because he’s not here. Bischoff tells him to keep going, so Borash starts to finish, but Bischoff grabs the mic out of his hands and tells him that he said to read it exactly the way he wrote it. Bischoff says we all know that Anderson’s not here, but everyone tuned in to see him go, so Bischoff suggests that he wrestle Borash instead. Bischoff kicks him in the knee and then kicks him in the head and Borash goes down, so Bischoff crouches over him and starts drilling him with rights. Ken Anderson’s music hits and the lights go out, and when they come back up, Matt Morgan is standing behind Bischoff in the ring. Bischoff slowly turns around and Morgan kills him with the Carbon Footprint and covers him for the win. Okay, so I guess what we just saw was…
Winner: Matt Morgan
Okay, we’re into Reaction now, but Morgan grabs the contract and signs it himself, then tells Bischoff to tell Jeff Hardy that he’s going to see him at Turning Point. Morgan leaves and Ric Flair comes out to check on Bischoff, and grabs a mic and tells Morgan that the biggest mistake he ever made was walking away from Fortune, but now he’s got nowhere to go, and in three days, now he’s got to face Jeff Hardy at Turning Point and he guarantees that Morgan’s going to bleed, sweat and pay the price of a wrestling lifetime. Flair drops the mic and helps Bischoff to his feet and gives Bischoff a big hug.
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